Too Restless to Sleep (Revision 5)

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
I think you have some wonderful images in this poem. However, I find I preferred the original. I'll go into more detail below:

Revision 2

The wild trees, bare of leaves, -I get the feeling that you played around with the structure between the edits so that the insomniacs image could be presented to the reader sooner. It is an important image in the poem, so I understand. Why not start with, "Like fellow insomniacs/the wild trees, bare of leaves..." and then the third line could be something that extends the metaphor. Just a thought.
seem like fellow insomniacs
under the dry light of the forest. -I would suggest attaching this line back to the imagery in the next stanza.

Flowers glint in the still air, -I would recommend merging this and the next line back into something similar to the second line the original version. Just describing the flowers as "unblown pinwheels" works for me.
unblown pinwheels
as dew sizzles on the long grass. -I love the wording and imagery in this line. The wording, "dew sizzles" is the type of image that can't help but make an impression.

I shift in the dirt from foot to foot, 
knowing the end
will be nothing like this. -I quite like the ending of this poem. I preferred the enjambment in the original just because it gave the ending greater emphasis in my opinion. However, I still like the ending in this version too.

Revision

The wild trees, bare of leaves, 
seem like fellow insomniacs
under the dry light of the forest.

The flowers still in the heavy air, 
unblown, stationary pinwheels.

I shift in the dirt from foot to foot, 
knowing the end
will be nothing like this.


Original

Under the dry light of the forest,
flowers are unblown, stationary pinwheels.
 
The wild trees, bare of leaves,
seem like fellow insomniacs.
 
I stand in the dirt shifting 
from foot to foot,

knowing the end
will be nothing like this.

As always, I enjoyed reading your work. I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard