10-20-2017, 07:44 AM
For me still air replicates unblown, sorry but I prefer the original, I can see why you went for that line because it is the weakest line in the revision. To be honest I loved this the first time I read it, I think it was a NaPo originally but not sure, any way the only nit I really have is use of stationary, I don't understand why you use this after unblown because they are saying the same thing, at first I thought you meant paper stationary, but clearly that's not the case. I like the work you've done on the line breaks from a readers point of view but I think merging the lines from the original split stanza has weakened the stand out images you had, and the poem needed that. Sorry if this a bit jumbled but hope it comes across. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out