10-19-2017, 12:57 PM
Hi Richard, this poem has interesting, novel imagery, especially the middle lines in the last stanza. After my first reading I wasn’t sure what to make of the subject and meaning, so I read other critiques to get a sense of what other’s sensed. In my 1st poetry class I really enjoyed classroom workshops because I was new to the craft and I learned how to read them better and look for subtleties and poetic devices from classmates. Like Rose, I thought the son was deceased, but Keith made a good point to the contrary. I haven’t looked at the spoiler link yet, but the wording (second person) makes me believe the speaker is sleepless because the son is sleepless (or at least mischievous at night), causing the speaker to be worried about his/ her spouse being worried about the son while also worried about the son himself/ herself. The repetitive use of “you” made me think this.
In the 1st stanza, I would suggest considering changing give to "reflect" or maybe "shield."
In the 2nd stanza, I was irked by the implication that eyelids reflect white... don’t they reflect a reddish color? Reddish black? I think exploring changing plush to “red” or “stuffed red” in the 1st stanza provides the opportunity to come back to the color in the 2nd stanza and tie it into sleeplessness, stress, and anything else not yet explicit. Like red eyes lacking sleep. Though the cracker question is seemingly out of the blue, it’s logically explained at the end of the poem with ‘midnight snack’ automatically coming to mind.
The middle lines of the last stanza are beautiful, very powerful and a cool way to manipulate the environment to contribute to and enhance the mood and frame of mind. The revision will be interesting.
In the 1st stanza, I would suggest considering changing give to "reflect" or maybe "shield."
In the 2nd stanza, I was irked by the implication that eyelids reflect white... don’t they reflect a reddish color? Reddish black? I think exploring changing plush to “red” or “stuffed red” in the 1st stanza provides the opportunity to come back to the color in the 2nd stanza and tie it into sleeplessness, stress, and anything else not yet explicit. Like red eyes lacking sleep. Though the cracker question is seemingly out of the blue, it’s logically explained at the end of the poem with ‘midnight snack’ automatically coming to mind.
The middle lines of the last stanza are beautiful, very powerful and a cool way to manipulate the environment to contribute to and enhance the mood and frame of mind. The revision will be interesting.