10-19-2017, 03:24 AM
Hi wjames
I like the idea and the character sketch of the 'orator'
(though it's a big word to have in the title and
I don't think the piece really follows through sufficiently.)
My problem is that I can't relate the 'conversation'
chess/bucks to anything else in the piece.
It feels like it's a separate thing entirely.
I see you've had some suggestions about removing one of
the 'befores' in the opening stanza.
So, just to give you something different to think about,
I'll suggest adding another: As in
Before the crowd
had formed before
the ticket counter,
he spoke [before the] mirror
in his parent's basement
washroom.
(It also occurred to me that you could alternate them before/in front of/before/...
I agree with CRNDLSM
suffering, melodrama,
and tribulation
seem to be essentially the same thing (certainly tribulation and suffering),
and I think they are rather at odds with 'dissection'.
You might make the case for 'disquisition' but I think dissection
leads towards the manner/approach of the monologue, not its subject.
So it might be
a Shakespearean dissection
replete with
compassion/insight/mercy/intelligence/wit/honesty/...
I like how it ends with a question, so here's mine
What job is he applying for?
Best, Knot.
I like the idea and the character sketch of the 'orator'
(though it's a big word to have in the title and
I don't think the piece really follows through sufficiently.)
My problem is that I can't relate the 'conversation'
chess/bucks to anything else in the piece.
It feels like it's a separate thing entirely.
I see you've had some suggestions about removing one of
the 'befores' in the opening stanza.
So, just to give you something different to think about,
I'll suggest adding another: As in
Before the crowd
had formed before
the ticket counter,
he spoke [before the] mirror
in his parent's basement
washroom.
(It also occurred to me that you could alternate them before/in front of/before/...
I agree with CRNDLSM
suffering, melodrama,
and tribulation
seem to be essentially the same thing (certainly tribulation and suffering),
and I think they are rather at odds with 'dissection'.
You might make the case for 'disquisition' but I think dissection
leads towards the manner/approach of the monologue, not its subject.
So it might be
a Shakespearean dissection
replete with
compassion/insight/mercy/intelligence/wit/honesty/...
I like how it ends with a question, so here's mine
What job is he applying for?
Best, Knot.