Third Draft: Sleepless

[Keith]

Sleepless

Eyes closed, this as an opening isnt really grabbing me, not sure to read it as an instruction or a statement
eye-lids give soft darkness. this is a better line and it says the same as L1
Looking too long
reminds you of your son's plush rabbit, plush seem an odd word choice but I quite like quirky.
the one he never plays with. Seems ok as a hook but I dont see the follow up anywhere else ?

Eyes open, agian this line is weak doesnt add anything to the read other than instruction
the ceiling is an indifferent white I like this it gives a sense of tired apathy of the N
like the inside of an eye
not focused on you.
Where are his favorite crackers, Who's? the rabbits ?
the ones he always eats for breakfast? sorry if its just me but I'm confused, again I dont understand how I should be reading this line or its significance.

Night was once welcomed.
The stars were happy dreamers,
but now they are additional eyes I like the shift into a darker shade of being watched
that stare at his tip-toe walk. tip- toed ? but again.....why? I must be missing something

Hi Richard
I'm struggling to understand your intentions for the reader in this one, my take away is that, he is lying in bed trying to get to sleep and the weired thoughts keep popping into his head about nothing in particular. In the end he decides to get up quietly and walk around the house. So in summary as a premise I get it, I think but the imagery is a bit bland and the framework needs to be clearer so that the reader can engage with whats happening more. Sorry I cant be more positive, others may see something I dont and I havent read anyone elses feedback so I may be way off. The mood you create is working and is sustained by each stanza but the phrasing needs work. Ill keep checking in to see what this one is up to. Best Keith