10-19-2017, 01:20 AM
Before the crowd
had formed before I agree that the second before is a bit repetative
the ticket counter,
he spoke to a mirror
in his parent's basement
washroom. I love the scene you set here. The mirror in his parents basement is so hidden which makes me think the speaker is hiding from the world and himself.
His monologue was a condensed
reflection on the human condition,
a Shakespearean dissection
replete with suffering, melodrama, Great rhythm here
and tribulation:
"Do you like to play chess, Mr. Abernathy? I'm not sure if you need the quotation marks
I'm not all that good, but I love it
when two bucks smack horns
until one is pinned, and a queen is taken. Make it more clear that the bucks are chess pieces, and that chess is a game of life. It took me some rereading to find any connection between the two topics.
Have you ever peered into the eyes
of a pinned buck, Mr. Abernathy?
They look away immediately,
too submissive to challenge
a simple glance.
In any case, Mr. Abernathy,
I'm in need of a job. How does a job relate to chess or bucks, and the human condition?
What do you say?" I like how you end on a question, however I am not sure what the question is asking on a larger picture. Try stepping back and considering what you want to leave the reader thinking about after they read your poem. Also, I'm a bit confused with the dialog. What is it getting at and what is the scene it depicts?
Great job overall. I love your word choice, line breaks and the flow of the poem.
had formed before I agree that the second before is a bit repetative
the ticket counter,
he spoke to a mirror
in his parent's basement
washroom. I love the scene you set here. The mirror in his parents basement is so hidden which makes me think the speaker is hiding from the world and himself.
His monologue was a condensed
reflection on the human condition,
a Shakespearean dissection
replete with suffering, melodrama, Great rhythm here
and tribulation:
"Do you like to play chess, Mr. Abernathy? I'm not sure if you need the quotation marks
I'm not all that good, but I love it
when two bucks smack horns
until one is pinned, and a queen is taken. Make it more clear that the bucks are chess pieces, and that chess is a game of life. It took me some rereading to find any connection between the two topics.
Have you ever peered into the eyes
of a pinned buck, Mr. Abernathy?
They look away immediately,
too submissive to challenge
a simple glance.
In any case, Mr. Abernathy,
I'm in need of a job. How does a job relate to chess or bucks, and the human condition?
What do you say?" I like how you end on a question, however I am not sure what the question is asking on a larger picture. Try stepping back and considering what you want to leave the reader thinking about after they read your poem. Also, I'm a bit confused with the dialog. What is it getting at and what is the scene it depicts?
Great job overall. I love your word choice, line breaks and the flow of the poem.