10-19-2017, 01:06 AM
Sleepless
Eyes closed,
eye-lids give soft darkness. I love the phrase "soft darkness"
Looking too long
reminds you of your son's plush rabbit, The mention of the rabbit here seems a bit random. Maybe include a more common thing children have, like a dog or a teddy bear.
the one he never plays with. Great foreshadowing the depressing mood.
Eyes open,
the ceiling is an indifferent white I like the word indifferent, but what are you trying to convey with it? Is the speaker trying to not feel sad?
like the inside of an eye
not focused on you.
Where are his favorite crackers,
the ones he always eats for breakfast? I love how this question pops up. Its very relatable.
Night was once welcomed.
The stars were happy dreamers,
but now they are additional eyes Beautiful analogy
that stare at his tip-toe walk. What does his tip-toe walk refer to? Given the quiet power of the poem the end is a little weak. I'dd play around will other closing lines.
[b]This poem has a really interesting mood. The topic is extremely depressing but the imagery and word chose used to address it is unemotional. This forces the reader to actively put themselves in the speakers place. Great work![/b]
Eyes closed,
eye-lids give soft darkness. I love the phrase "soft darkness"
Looking too long
reminds you of your son's plush rabbit, The mention of the rabbit here seems a bit random. Maybe include a more common thing children have, like a dog or a teddy bear.
the one he never plays with. Great foreshadowing the depressing mood.
Eyes open,
the ceiling is an indifferent white I like the word indifferent, but what are you trying to convey with it? Is the speaker trying to not feel sad?
like the inside of an eye
not focused on you.
Where are his favorite crackers,
the ones he always eats for breakfast? I love how this question pops up. Its very relatable.
Night was once welcomed.
The stars were happy dreamers,
but now they are additional eyes Beautiful analogy
that stare at his tip-toe walk. What does his tip-toe walk refer to? Given the quiet power of the poem the end is a little weak. I'dd play around will other closing lines.
[b]This poem has a really interesting mood. The topic is extremely depressing but the imagery and word chose used to address it is unemotional. This forces the reader to actively put themselves in the speakers place. Great work![/b]