10-18-2017, 07:09 PM
Hi
I'm afraid I'm not 100% sure as to what you are trying to get across to the reader here. Maybe you could look into extending it so that it has more direction as at the moment I don't believe it conveys enough:
ice cream night:
serve me all
your cloyed alms (Is this relating to the Ice Cream being too thick & heavy, not soft & light like anticipated, meaning that the goals experienced on that evening are overly sweet & sickening?)
but your diamonds
on the tongue
don’t taste good (Do the Diamonds represent how pure the night should be, with clarity, but going back to the verse above, it isn't due to the extensive sweetness with the air not tasting good on the tongue?)
I'm afraid I'm not 100% sure as to what you are trying to get across to the reader here. Maybe you could look into extending it so that it has more direction as at the moment I don't believe it conveys enough:
ice cream night:
serve me all
your cloyed alms (Is this relating to the Ice Cream being too thick & heavy, not soft & light like anticipated, meaning that the goals experienced on that evening are overly sweet & sickening?)
but your diamonds
on the tongue
don’t taste good (Do the Diamonds represent how pure the night should be, with clarity, but going back to the verse above, it isn't due to the extensive sweetness with the air not tasting good on the tongue?)