Ice Cream Night (Tear it apart!)

[shemthepenman]

hello,
i’m writing this on my phone so i apologies for lack of formatting. 

ice cream night: you don’t need this in the poem. it’s already the title. 
serve me all
your cloyed alms—it seems like you are using cloyed as an adjective. it isn’t an adjective. but if you are using it as the past tense of cloy it makes just as little sense. maybe stick to cloying. plus, i can’t really make head nor tail of what you mean, regardless.

but your diamonds—i don’t know why you’ve started this with a “but”. 
on the tongue
don’t taste good—i don’t know about this last line. like spinal tap once said “there’s a fine line between clever and stupid”.

so, i don’t think you have much of a poem here—something about ice cream; and, it seems like you’ve made a grammatical error using “cloyed” within the first few lines, so the reader doesn’t have much confidence moving forward. as such, there may be something profound here, but i wouldn’t know because i’m not going to spend much time trying to decipher the meaning of a poem that can’t tell it’s verb from its adjective. 
i’d bin it and start again.