Ice Cream Night (Tear it apart!)

[Knot]

Hi silentsea

I'm afraid I'm with ellajam and Tiger the Lion on this.

Ice Cream Night implies some form of treat/pleasure
(unless you're lactose intolerant, I suppose),
so why this would be 'charitable' is lost on me,
as is the transition from 'alms' to 'diamonds'.
I don't think, with two verses, you given yourself
enough space to successfully articulate your idea.

ice cream night:
serve me all
your cloyed alms
did you mean 'cloying' or 'clotted' ?

but your diamonds
on the tongue
don’t taste good
maybe;
'Aren't half as sweet    ?

Not so much the voice of experience, but something of a lesson learned,
over writing and editing down is so much easier than the other way round.
Start with Tiger the Lion's suggestion for the first line and see what happens.


Best, Knot.