Ice Cream Night (Tear it apart!)

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello Silent. A few thoughts for you...

ice cream night: if this is the title, I would suggest "serve me..." as line 1. 
serve me all
your cloyed alms

but your diamonds how are diamonds related back to ice cream or alms?
on the tongue 
don’t taste good this falls flat. There's not enough connection between V1 and V2 for an effective "punchline"

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Hi all, I'm pretty new to the site so thank you for taking a look at this poem I wrote. I need to edit this for a class I'm taking and any comments - no matter how harsh - are deeply appreciated! Thanks again.

Good luck with your class.