Ice Cream Night (Tear it apart!)

[ellajam]

Hi, SS, I have a few issues with this. First, the sonics: for me  "cloyed alms" is awkward and unpleasant to say. I'd prefer "the diamonds on your tongue" and the last line is just flat and uninteresting.

Here's my real problem: Ice cream=Sweet, luscious, a treat. Cloyed alms=overly, maybe falsely sweet charity or gift. I can see your point but I don't get why you would label what you're getting as something so pleasant, seems more like cotton candy.

Diamonds:=Hard, sharp but beautiful. How that links back to ice cream eludes me and diamond on the tongue brings to mind pithy, bright, insightful words. I don't think that's what you have in mind.

Good luck with it.

ice cream night:
serve me all
your cloyed alms

but your diamonds
on the tongue
don’t taste good