First Edit: First Kiss

[Knot]

Hi Rose
Much improved by the revision I think.

The stereotypical girl
I never imagined to be,
Should this not be;
I never imagined I'd be (or become, or even wanted to be)?

He pulls me against him.
My fingers trace his smooth back.
What is it your fingers are tracing?
If it's just his back, then isn't that 'stroking'?
I feel his pulsing heart, and love
the thought of connection,
of two interwoven bodies.
'pulsing' is a bit romance novel.
I wonder if you could make something of;
I feel him, and love (assuming you like ambiguity)
the thought of connection,
of two bodies interwoven

Yet as I try [how are you trying?]
to mimic his unconscious shudders,
I know I will be found out.

Do you want to do it he asks,
Pausing to raise himself up.
I have condoms.
Where's the question mark?

No
I shake my head
and stretch out an arm
to try to draw him back down.
I don't think you need 'No' on a separate line,
you could just reorder the line to;
I shake my head no

Are you sure he repeats.
Yes I am sure.
Not sure about 'he repeats', you might want to describe
how the question is being asked, or how he looks when he's asking it.
(Comma after 'Yes')

With an embarrassed smile
and an agonized brow, he asks
Would you do it for me?
Perhaps consider reworking this as
'His smile is embarrassed...etc,.'
(or, He looks so embarrassed...)

Another time I respond, and
(Don't end on an 'and')
Plus, it rather distracts from the intriguing ambiguity of 'respond'

finally, [he] lowers himself
to kiss me, But his lips are thin,
and slimy, and I pretend not to care.


Best, Knot.