First Edit: First Kiss

[RiverNotch]

First Kiss Although this feels like a point in a relationship that's a few kisses beyond "first kiss". But no, this point is kinda irrelevant -- the dude could just be real stupid, which would be a direction as humorous as this is...


I lay on him
Skin presses against skin
The stereotypical girl There's something very adolescent with "The stereotypical girl" being perceived as a lover. At some point, eros seems less stereotypical, more natural -- in all, a good way to set the tone.
That I never imagined to be Again, to never imagine one to be a lover is a very adolescent thing, at least if it's considered without any sort of well-thought-out moral indignation.


I wrap my arms around his smooth back
And love the feel of human contact
Of two interwoven bodies I agree with earlier commenters -- "of human contact of two interwoven bodies" is redundant. That said, "interwoven bodies" is the more vivid of the two images, so here's my suggested edit:

I wrap my arms around
His smooth back
And love the feel of
Interwoven bodies

Thought that might not be your speaker's voice.


Yet as I try to mimic his unconscious shudders
I know that I will be found out Rhythm in this stanza's a little stilted. Echoing again, I like what this says, but maybe

Yet as I try to mimic
His unconscious shudders
I know I'll be found out

Though again, I feel like I'm intruding.


Do you want to do it he asks
Pausing to raise himself up
I have condoms Horrific laugh-out-loud moment here. Since I don't think a first kiss often (or should often) involve such steamy propositions, this more than the previous two lines feels like the heart of the poem for me, emphasizing not the somewhat introverted nature of our speaker, which to me is not particularly involving, but the awkwardness of the moment as a whole. Though maybe that's just the romantic/romantically-frustrated reader in me speaking.


No I’m good I respond I sort of dig how "respond" repeats -- something about the softness of the speaker -- but perhaps a little too soft. Like Todd before me, I would prefer a gesture to the later "respond", but unlike him, I'd also prefer one here.
and stretch out an arm Why capitalize the start of most lines, but not here?
To try to draw him back down


Are you sure he repeats
Yes I am sure
With an agonized brow
and a slightly embarrassed smile
He asks
Would you
do it for me? Stanza captures the wonky nature of this whole encounter -- I actually like how this entire stanza plays, how blank the speaker is, how awkward and stupid and hungry the lover is.


Another time I respond See above -- though to highlight my conflicted feelings, the notes in the last two stanzas.
And he finally lowers himself to kiss me Richard's reading is to feel bad for the speaker's reversal of fortune; with that in mind, I see why the speaker and the lover seemed to switch positions (first line: "I lay on him"), even if such a switch implies something more rambunctious (and perhaps less symbolic) than what the speaker's presented, at least after "Yet as I try to mimic".
But his lips are thin and slimy
And I pretend not to care Though, unlike Richard's reading, I don't quite think this is really terrible. There's no hint of violence all throughout -- the girl establishes boundaries, boy tries to push through 'em, girl denies the push but allows him one awkward kiss. It might have been a little horrible, but the horror isn't really, I think, traumatic -- ultimately, I find this more funny than dark.


...cold, and in a very beautiful, saying-something way. Lovely work.