Edit 5: Death of Socrates

[RiverNotch]

[Image: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/c...crates.jpg]

Death of Socrates
 
Still awkward. Tries to say too many things at once, perhaps. A dissection:

I guess Asclepius is owed a cock, Chief thought, "Asclepius is owed a cock", which to the knowledgeable
        whatever that means. means something. The blasé confusion of the speaker here doesn't particularly say anything: the layman remains uninitiated, and the initiated go "oh, Asclepius is the god of medicine, etc etc etc". Plus the whole nature of the speaker's unknowing here isn't really explored until the final stanza, with everything else making it seem like he (she?) actually knows stuff. 
The philosopher who said it Two: says it. Which, again, only means something to the initiated, although in this case the title is enough of a 
said it as he pointed up, pointer. That said, this is thought three, with lines one and two being all about the phrase, line three being all about who said it, and this being all about the gesture visible in the painting.
explaining how we can be unaware
because our souls forget things like But then thought four, where Socrates is supposedly explaining something, apparently while (or via) saying "Asclepius is owed a cock"? at which point, both the initiated and the uninitiated are confused. 
an apple's sopping crunch, to Crito-- Five: "to Crito". And this time, even grammar tears out hairs -- at the very least, invent the new sentence "The philosopher who said it said it to Crito, who is tugging at his pendent thigh."
who is tugging at his pendent thigh. All that said -- and I admit this may be due solely to taste -- the only thoughts of worth in this first stanza are those that directly reference the painting, not the life of Socrates, in small part because it would probably be best if you tried to make this piece more accessible, and in large part because actually sticking the painting up there immediately declares this to be an ekphrasis. Ie, remove the speaker's meaningless additions to "Asclepius is owed a cock", then continue with thoughts two and five.

His other leg is placed upon  
the makeshift lectern of a mattress, Unintentionally hilarious phrasing: a lectern's the stand where you put a copy of your speech, not the podium at which you actually make your speech. Thus Socrates is equated to Zohan.
protruding from his drapery Can't quite tell whether it's the other leg or the mattress that protrudes.
like morning light would mutely break 
through dusty curtains onto bed, 
glowing like his chest. Can't quite tell whether it's the other leg or the mattress that glows -- also, that's a very weird "metaphor"(?), comparing the leg's (or the mattress's, or heck the morning's) glow to a man's chest. Sure, it's a poem, but the point is the whole is a little jumbled, at least to my limited readings.
 
Being sure enough 
that hemlock washes down like wine 
will get the executioner, Interesting line break, I guess, but for a moment I thought it was the hemlock that would get the executioner, and that's a point of confusion that really takes me out.
who couldn't even bear to watch, "Who" is the executioner, right? Best to establish this whole stanza as independent from the preceding, since this and the following is, again, a little jumbled -- in prose, "The executioner couldn't even bear to watch, even as he was demoted to the job of cupbearer, to death of getting blackout drunk -- Socrates was so sure that hemlock would wash down like wine." Or...something. That's still rather confusing (whose death, exactly, the executioner's or Socrates'?).
demoted to the job of cupbearer 
and death to getting blackout drunk. 
I would love to be that sure. As sure as the executioner "who couldn't even bear to watch", ostensibly the subject of this stanza?
 
In this final lecture, 
the apotheosis of opinion This line just sounds pretentious.
seemed to overwhelm Apollodorus,  
who left the room and grinds his brow I get how the different tenses work, but this still reads awkward -- maybe slot a "now" between "and" and "grinds"?
against stone, and his swooning students, Again, confusion! Apollodorus grinds his brow against stone and his (Socrates'? Apollodorus'?) swooning students? In this case, I can easily point to "his" being used twice, yet referring to different people, so this time it's at least far clearer to me what you're trying to say.
who curl and twist Comma before "and his swooning students" perhaps necessary, but after, and "who curl and twist" reads like you may have messed up, Apollodorus' brow curls and twists.
like autumn leaves in a burn pile. That said, at least this stanza is clear enough to properly present an image that mostly works.
 
Except for one Except for one autumn leaf?
who seemed older than he should've been, I didn't (and still don't) know how old Plato should have been at this time. When I first commented on this, I also forgot Plato wasn't supposed to be in the painting -- but honestly, the painting is not history, and since at all other times the speaker refers to the imagery of the painting, while at the same time professing a sort of ignorance to the history behind it all, it would make much more sense not to make such vague allusions as this.
and wasn't dressed in autumn colors, 
and shouldn't be where he is seated- Ah, tense fail here: isn't dressed, since the rest of the poem is present.
unless stories of his teacher's death All the stuff on Plato's presence, though, this down to "things appear" is rather evocative, and considering how the confusion of the previous stanzas don't really inform Plato's agon here (in a way that effectively expands on the painting), I think a good place to start would be to isolate this stanza, and go from hence.
reified behind his head
every imagined detail down
to the needlework of arrows  
on a student's sleeves,
real enough to contradict
what he taught of Form and how
things appear.
 
I bet he knew just what his teacher meant  So too a lot of scholars -- or, at the least, neither him nor the scholars, since all listeners and readers could provide in the end is exegesis, and Socrates ostensibly did not dissect his final words.
about some roosters being owed 
in the moment that he bowed his head 
to let his eyelids rest beneath reflective shades; "let his eyelids rest beneath reflective shades" is again a bit pretentious,
I'll get around to googling which just makes "I'll get around to googling" make me want to swear at the speaker. Plus, the speaker just noted "his teacher's final words", and Google provides what's, not why's -- at the very least, "I'll get around to googling what those final words of his teacher's meant."
his teacher's final words.

So, yeah, confusion -- probably best to cut down to the penultimate stanza then restart from hence, but I like the kernel of this enough. For some lines, and for the syntax of most of your sentences, maybe try to sound poetic once everything's crystal; focus more on the painting, and its nature as a portrait of history, rather than on the history, or else totally excise it; and, in the case of your rather frustrating-to-read speaker, really get a handle on what your speaker's character in relation to all of this is, or if not, again, excise.