10-14-2017, 10:40 PM
Hi Linda
I'm the basis for time well spent.
I do my job well, been at it since the beginning.
For me there's a slight (theological?) inconsistency between lines 1 & 2.
In 1 the subject is 'death', in 2 it appears to be 'the angel of death'.
That said, I like the casual, conversational voice of the narrator.
If you could see me, first thing you'll notice
is the shine on my tattooed head.
Why can N not be seen?
I think becomes an issue because what follows is a largely visual description.
Like 'tattooed head', nicely unexpected, but then you go on to describe
something of a 'skin-head' figure, so it does make sense.
Listen close, hear the chain of my pocket watch clinking--
the creaking of leather--black.
Don't understand the -- here. What's wrong with more 'normal' punctuation.
Like the pocket watch (sent me to the white rabbit for a moment, but that's fine).
'black' after leather seems a poor and predictable choice, why not 'oiled' or something?
No need to carry a pipe in my steel tip boot
cause when my dark feathered wing
brushes your cheek like a butterfly kiss
you wont fight, you'll chill--eyes glazed,
your baggage thrown away.
Would one carry a pipe in boot? Not sure,
but why would the narrator even be considering doing so?
I like the 'wing brushes your cheek', but 'butterfly kiss' is very clichéd.
Also, is N if invisible how would 'you' know there was anything to fight
(in the 'pipe in the boot' sense?)
A cold halo will fall around you,
then it happens, you'll feel lost then found,
like an orphan who just found momma,
'cold halo' works really well.
'lost the found...' I thought this an interesting idea, could you elaborate on it?
you might call out to a saint or higher power.
Ain't nothing gonna keep you from your rightful white light.
Ill take anyone, no age requirements for this gig.
I'm the one who pries you from your tight fitting body,
no hassles or demons to wrestle,
I don't find this section either sufficiently interesting or convincing.
The 'white light' cliché pales (as it were) against the terrific 'unspeakable light'
If 'pries you from...' then the question is how?
just the glare of unspeakable light--its better than sex
and it lasts forever,
Nothing can pull you from your roots,
take you as far and as fast
This seems to be a (much better) reworking of 'pries you from'
and on a good day when I'm at my bitchin best
like a heat seeking missile--you'll be gone.
I like the irony of 'good day', but the voice of the narrator
doesn't sound the same here as it did at the beginning
('bitchin best', 'heat seeking missile').
For me the voice changes at 'chill'.
I do like the tone of the piece, the title and the characterisation,
but what I can't figure out is to whom the narrator is speaking, or why.
Best, Knot.
I'm the basis for time well spent.
I do my job well, been at it since the beginning.
For me there's a slight (theological?) inconsistency between lines 1 & 2.
In 1 the subject is 'death', in 2 it appears to be 'the angel of death'.
That said, I like the casual, conversational voice of the narrator.
If you could see me, first thing you'll notice
is the shine on my tattooed head.
Why can N not be seen?
I think becomes an issue because what follows is a largely visual description.
Like 'tattooed head', nicely unexpected, but then you go on to describe
something of a 'skin-head' figure, so it does make sense.
Listen close, hear the chain of my pocket watch clinking--
the creaking of leather--black.
Don't understand the -- here. What's wrong with more 'normal' punctuation.
Like the pocket watch (sent me to the white rabbit for a moment, but that's fine).
'black' after leather seems a poor and predictable choice, why not 'oiled' or something?
No need to carry a pipe in my steel tip boot
cause when my dark feathered wing
brushes your cheek like a butterfly kiss
you wont fight, you'll chill--eyes glazed,
your baggage thrown away.
Would one carry a pipe in boot? Not sure,
but why would the narrator even be considering doing so?
I like the 'wing brushes your cheek', but 'butterfly kiss' is very clichéd.
Also, is N if invisible how would 'you' know there was anything to fight
(in the 'pipe in the boot' sense?)
A cold halo will fall around you,
then it happens, you'll feel lost then found,
like an orphan who just found momma,
'cold halo' works really well.
'lost the found...' I thought this an interesting idea, could you elaborate on it?
you might call out to a saint or higher power.
Ain't nothing gonna keep you from your rightful white light.
Ill take anyone, no age requirements for this gig.
I'm the one who pries you from your tight fitting body,
no hassles or demons to wrestle,
I don't find this section either sufficiently interesting or convincing.
The 'white light' cliché pales (as it were) against the terrific 'unspeakable light'
If 'pries you from...' then the question is how?
just the glare of unspeakable light--its better than sex
and it lasts forever,
Nothing can pull you from your roots,
take you as far and as fast
This seems to be a (much better) reworking of 'pries you from'
and on a good day when I'm at my bitchin best
like a heat seeking missile--you'll be gone.
I like the irony of 'good day', but the voice of the narrator
doesn't sound the same here as it did at the beginning
('bitchin best', 'heat seeking missile').
For me the voice changes at 'chill'.
I do like the tone of the piece, the title and the characterisation,
but what I can't figure out is to whom the narrator is speaking, or why.
Best, Knot.