10-14-2017, 10:36 PM
Hi Rose
Lots to like here, starting with the title which works well,
though, as has been mentioned already, the capitals at the
beginning of each line and the lack of punctuation are a
distraction.
I lay on him
Skin presses against skin
The stereotypical girl
That I never imagined to be
Strong opening, 'stereotypical girl' is a good phrase,
but skin presses against skin' doesn't quite do enough for me,
particularly with the repetition of 'skin'.
That I never imagined [I would] be. ? Odd phrasing.
I'd suggest reordering S1 to:
The stereotypical girl
I lay on him
Skin presses against...
I never imagined...
I wrap my arms around his smooth back
And love the feel of human contact
Of two interwoven bodies
Surely it's either 'arms around him' or 'arms across his smooth back'?
That said, I like how this verse is misleads.
(This my be due to the lack of punctuation but) shouldn't this read
I wrap my arms around his smooth back
[loving] the feel of human contact
Of two interwoven bodies ?
I think you could elaborate on why N 'loves the feel...' a little more
before the next stanza and the change of mood.
Yet as I try to mimic his unconscious shudders
I know that I will be found out
Enjoyed the turn, well hidden and so unexpected.
I think you could edit this down to:
Yet, [mimicking] his unconscious shudders
I know that I will be found out
Do you want to do it he asks
Pausing to raise himself up
I have condoms
No I’m good I respond
and stretch out an arm
To try to draw him back down
These work very well (except for how they highlight the lack of punctuation),
though I don't think you need 'I respond', unless you've included it for its irony'.
Are you sure he repeats
Yes I am sure
Sounds true to life, but is a very clunky read. And not just with the repetition of 'sure'.
With an agonized brow
and a slightly embarrassed smile
He asks
Would you
do it for me?
A similar problem here.
The variation in line lengths is also,
for me, something of a distraction.
Perhaps consider something like:
With an embarrassed smile,
an agonized brow, he asks
Would you do it for me?
Another time I respond
You're 'responding' again.
And he finally lowers himself to kiss me
But his lips are thin and slimy
And I pretend not to care
The obvious problem here is that 'you' started on top,
and now 'he' is lowering himself.
(Which, incidentally, is a fascinating choice of words,
were you intending to emphasise 'self-loathing'?)
I'd suggest reordering these lines to end with 'kiss me', as in:
I pretend not to care
that his lips are thin
and slimy as he finally
lowers himself to kiss me
It's a great play on the subject of 'first kiss' and I enjoyed reading it.
Best, Knot
Lots to like here, starting with the title which works well,
though, as has been mentioned already, the capitals at the
beginning of each line and the lack of punctuation are a
distraction.
I lay on him
Skin presses against skin
The stereotypical girl
That I never imagined to be
Strong opening, 'stereotypical girl' is a good phrase,
but skin presses against skin' doesn't quite do enough for me,
particularly with the repetition of 'skin'.
That I never imagined [I would] be. ? Odd phrasing.
I'd suggest reordering S1 to:
The stereotypical girl
I lay on him
Skin presses against...
I never imagined...
I wrap my arms around his smooth back
And love the feel of human contact
Of two interwoven bodies
Surely it's either 'arms around him' or 'arms across his smooth back'?
That said, I like how this verse is misleads.
(This my be due to the lack of punctuation but) shouldn't this read
I wrap my arms around his smooth back
[loving] the feel of human contact
Of two interwoven bodies ?
I think you could elaborate on why N 'loves the feel...' a little more
before the next stanza and the change of mood.
Yet as I try to mimic his unconscious shudders
I know that I will be found out
Enjoyed the turn, well hidden and so unexpected.
I think you could edit this down to:
Yet, [mimicking] his unconscious shudders
I know that I will be found out
Do you want to do it he asks
Pausing to raise himself up
I have condoms
No I’m good I respond
and stretch out an arm
To try to draw him back down
These work very well (except for how they highlight the lack of punctuation),
though I don't think you need 'I respond', unless you've included it for its irony'.
Are you sure he repeats
Yes I am sure
Sounds true to life, but is a very clunky read. And not just with the repetition of 'sure'.
With an agonized brow
and a slightly embarrassed smile
He asks
Would you
do it for me?
A similar problem here.
The variation in line lengths is also,
for me, something of a distraction.
Perhaps consider something like:
With an embarrassed smile,
an agonized brow, he asks
Would you do it for me?
Another time I respond
You're 'responding' again.
And he finally lowers himself to kiss me
But his lips are thin and slimy
And I pretend not to care
The obvious problem here is that 'you' started on top,
and now 'he' is lowering himself.
(Which, incidentally, is a fascinating choice of words,
were you intending to emphasise 'self-loathing'?)
I'd suggest reordering these lines to end with 'kiss me', as in:
I pretend not to care
that his lips are thin
and slimy as he finally
lowers himself to kiss me
It's a great play on the subject of 'first kiss' and I enjoyed reading it.
Best, Knot