Draft 5: A Bogeyman

[Richard]

Hey alexorande,
I like some of your edits here quite a bit. However, I still have some suggestions:

A Ghost

...it was flung from the balcony
and yanked at my attention
as if it were a belt loop
on a kitchen drawer handle;
and I considered if it was a trout
that made its sound
of plopping in the shallow creek-
where a trout would actually
splash for life. -I like the slight changes to this stanza, and I think it sets up the story in this poem nicely.

Had it been some boogeyman -I get what you're going for in this stanza. However, I wonder if it would be more effective if the speaker just talked about the actual digging. May be work in how he feels through the description of it.
that didn't want me digging up
our green and even yard?

If it is, then it's watching
and I had better stop this mess
and head back in to leave
bits of muddy shadows that reveal
the reason for my silence. -I still like the image of the mud. I wonder if you could use it to help you with my suggestion above?

A step before the stairs
I saw my father's ring
loosely lodged into the silt beneath
the softly flowing limpid water,
winking in the light.
A sight I might've seen
within a dream. -I would suggest cutting the last two lines in this stanza. They don't add much.

I found my father scrambling
along the cords beneath his desk,
called to him, and revealed his relief
in my filthy palms, a grimy wet ring. -This stanza reads better now. Something I've learned from my time on this site, is that sometimes less is more.

Weeks later, I had been a pirate swinging -This stanza really changed how I viewed the speaker. From some reason, I never thought he was this young. I can't explain why.
from a blanket tethered to
the upper bunk bed when I heard
a commotion from the living room.

One of parents arguing 
with words that scratched the air
with forgotten sugar's bitterness 
in the coffee they talked over
almost every morning.
Soon I figured this was not
a matter of forgotten sugar
when my mom had took his ring 
and in a fit of anger... -I really like the reworking of this stanza. I think you got a solid "ending" here. As well, I like the use of an ellipsis at the start and end.

 
it was flung from the balcony
and had a sharply yanking light 
at my attention like those lousy handles 
on those kitchen drawers getting caught 
inside a belt loop- jerking at the hips;
and I considered if it was a trout
that made its sound
of plopping in the shallow creek-
where a trout would actually
splash for life.
 
Had it been some greedy specter
protecting buried treasure 
from my excavation 
of our green and even yard? 
 
If it is, then they are watching 
and I had better stop this mess 
and head back in to leave
bits of muddy shadows that confess
the reason for my quietude. 
 
Before I reached the stairs I saw 
what looked like my father's ring 
loosely lodged into the silt beneath 
the softly flowing limpid water
winking at its artifice and artfice
that made it feel like
this has happened all before. 
 
I found my father scrambling 
along the cords beneath his desk 
and called to him and held out my hand 
to reveal his relief in the grimy wet ring 
in my filthy palms that reminded him to remind me 
his ring is a memento of the day
he said his lifelong vows
to the slaving woman known by me as "mom"
        and an expensive ring at that.
 
Weeks later,
they had an argument like they forgot
the sugar in the coffee
they talked over almost every morning;
and every word was black and bitter
and exchanged unfiltered;
until she took his ring  
and, with all her anger,

I wanted to have this neat effect where the poem loops into itself. Let me know how I did with the beginning and ending lines of this poem, if I should just scratch the idea in favor of something better, or better the material in between to make that loop more effective. Thank you for the read, and I'm looking forward to the final version I end up at.

The title of "A Ghost" kind of grew back on me while I was thinking of another title. I'm still open to suggestions on the title though.

I like what I'm seeing, and hope my additional comments are helpful.

Cheers,
Richard