For the Birds - Edit 1

[Linda]

The park is an intrinsic stage,     very nice opening line, draws the reader in, in fact the first 
the birds all twirl and land on wire      stanza is great as it stands
like circus freaks who risk their limbss
for joy and art and little grubs.

They don't eat much these days, the worms   this simile takes me too far out of the images 
have all dried up like old steel town fountains          in the poem                                                                              withered to husked ruins.                                                        
                                                                         
It's common courtesy to pay
in seeds, you leave some grain and take     I do like this stanza especially the fluorescent
the awe that lifts you through a day            repetition
of fluorescent repetition.                           Nice work James 

Original:

The city park is more than hype,
the birds all twirl and land on wire
like circus freaks who risk their limbs
for joy and art and dollar bills.

They don't make much these days, the worms
have all dried up like old steel towns
with empty roads as parched and dead
as sterile operation rooms.

It's common courtesy to pay
in seeds, you leave some grain and take
the awe that lifts you through a day
of fluorescent repetition.