Authorial Intrusion

[Lizzie]

it’s a bit like catching a glimpse of the boom mic in a film. you’re taken out of the scene and suddenly aware that you’re just watching actors performing on  a sound stage. likewise, the rhyme implies performance. Ah, so rhyme makes a piece feel contrived? What's funny is that I didn't ever think about the rhyme until it was pointed out. It's just how I talk and how I think -- like rhyme and contrived. Not trying to be "poetic"...

if the 1st person is a character written in a confessional style then sometimes the application of traditional forms may be detrimental to the desired effect. Well, now we're just making up arbitrary rules.

nb: having read the other comments it appears his problem isn’t specifically with the couplet (it was 6 in the morning at that stage and i must have confused tectak with billy boy) You're right that he did have a problem with the couplet. He didn't like it at all. I didn't read billy as having a problem with it, though....

but with the overall style being detrimental to the credibility of the speaker. But, what is meant by "overall style"? That could mean anything.

I think you lie.....you're doing a little too well for six in the morning.

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Reading Tom's comments, it seems most of his complaint is with S1, both with the breaks not being as effective as in the rest of the poem amd with the tense of "it'll make touching her easier" with the rest of the piece being in the present, the N knowing what the future will bring. Ok, that explains the final comment. Cool.

I think Tom's point is that when poetic devices bring attention to themselves it weakens the poet's ability to slip into a non-poet's voice. Like seeing the man behind the curtain.... Makes sense.

Like in any other poem, if done well all devices add rather than subtract. For sure. I don't see why confessional poetry needs to have its own set of rules.

I enjoyed reading that one again, a keeper for me. *tips hat*

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I see the point now. Tectak's point is actually quite subtle, though I had difficult understanding what he was trying to say.
The line lengths in S1 are strange. But, you said you liked them! Oh for heaven's sake, make up your mind!

They don't correspond to natural pauses in speech, which is where the artifice comes in. Enjambment often doesn't correspond to natural pauses....are you saying that enjambment isn't to be used where a character may be talking? All I can say in my defense is that everybody else is doing it....

Now artifice is okay in a confessional if the author wants to deliberately distract himself and the reader from the seriousness of the matter at hand eg. Lolita. But that's a witty sort of artifice, while this one looks random.

Isn't confessional poetry based on the author's present/past, not on an assumed character's?