10-10-2017, 08:24 AM
(10-08-2017, 01:57 AM)ClaireLou Wrote: I want to smother you;I enjoy the first two stanzas. Although I am bit confused. I really loved the poetry and description but if the poem was not titled and I had only read the first 2 stanzas I would be under the impression that your poem was about sleep deprivation or reassurance. I get that perhaps you are trying to set the scene, but I am not 100% certain how those first stanzas relate to OCD.
The feather filled pillow
that lies by my side
decorated with ducklings
and scented with roses.
Pulled close,
a reassuring presence
as the winds howl,
trees tapping on the window.
Hope simply a memory,
hidden underground
in a woodland nook,
sanctity in its silence.
Take away the pain,
uncontrollable urges
to count letters,
tapping your feet on carpets
so as not to be heard.
No rest for those
who stand beside
the clock that ticks.
From stanza 3 to the end I think the piece starts to focus on OCD, however I do think the structure of stanza 3 could be a lot better. It took me a couple reads to try and get a grasp of what you meant. A simple structure change would help tremendously.
On a more personal not, in the 4th stanza, are you saying you have a urge to count letters but instead you tap your foot for the noise concerns? If so, I think its a very powerful message of how helpless and impairing the OCD can be, and with different wording and more specifics of higher stakes it can be improved a lot more.
I think the last line can be more powerful, and should literally connect to something you may have alluded to prior in the poem.