Draft 5: A Bogeyman

[Richard]

Hey alexorande,
I like the story in this poem. I do have some suggestions though:

A Ghost

it was flung from out the balcony -I would suggest dropping "out" here. It isn't needed.
and had a sharply yanking light -The wording "sharply yanking light" doesn't sit well with me. I kinda get what you mean. I just wonder if you could express it more clearly?
at my attention like those lousy handles 
on those kitchen drawers getting caught -Comparing the flung ring to these drawers struck me as a bit strange at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I think that it is an apt comparison.
inside a belt loop- jerking at the hips; -I like the wording of "jerking at the hips" because it creates an interesting image in my mind. It also seems somewhat sexual. Was that your intention?
and I considered if it was a trout -I think the trout image works here. I just wonder if you could come up with something more in keeping with the image of the stuck drawer.
that made its sound
of plopping in the shallow creek- -
where a trout would --actually-- -Others will probably disagree, but I don't think you need to emphasize "actually" with the italics.
splash for life. -I like the line break here because "splash for life" is worth emphasizing.
 
Had it been some greedy specter -This made me think of a dead pirate. I think that could be a fun image to expand upon.
protecting buried treasure 
from my excavation 
of our green and even yard? -Other than tying into the title, I'm unsure what this stanza has to do with the main plot of the poem. I would suggest either expanding on it, so it becomes more important to the poem, or cut it.
 
If it is, then they are watching -Are "they" other ghosts or angels? Again, you could easily cut this line and just start the second stanza with the next line (just omit the "and" at the start of it).
and I had better stop this mess 
and head back in to leave -I'm not sure if you need to repeat "and" here. This is something I've been guilty of in my writing, so I understand what you are going for here.
bits of muddy shadows that confess -I like the wording here. I just wonder how bits of mud can confess anything. I might be nit-picking here.
the reason for my quietude. -I actually googled "quietude" because I didn't think it was a word. It is a word, but it seems too cold for me. The speaker must care about his/her parents, or why would they search so hard for the ring? This word just doesn't seem to capture the appropriate feeling to me.
 
Before I reached the stairs I saw 
what looked like my father's ring -These two lines are too conversational for my liking, especially the second one. I would suggest rewording them.
loosely lodged into the silt beneath 
the softly flowing limpid water -Why is there water in the backyard? I might of missed something. It wouldn't be the first time.
winking at its artifice and artfice -Typo in the second "artifice".
that made it feel like
this has happened all before. -I get the feeling this has happened before, so why not just say that?
 
I found my father scrambling 
along the cords beneath his desk -I don't understand why the speaker's father is doing this. Is he trying to hide from his wife?
and called to him and held out my hand -I would suggest cutting this line because it doesn't add much to the story.
to reveal his relief in the grimy wet ring -If you cut the line above, you can just change it to: "I revealed his relief in the grimy wet ring"
in my filthy palms that reminded him to remind me -This gave me the impression that the father started talking about his wedding day. Was that your intention?
his ring is a memento of the day
he said his lifelong vows -I would suggest cutting this and the previous line. They just don't tell me anything I don't already know about wedding rings.
to the slaving woman known by me as "mom" -How is she "slaving"? I feel like this is an image that needs to be expanded upon.
        and an expensive ring at that. -In my opinion, this information is unnecessary.
 
Weeks later, -This line is necessary for the narrative, but I would suggest attaching it to the next line.
they had an argument like they forgot
the sugar in the coffee -I find the wording in this and the last line a bit unclear. Are they arguing about sugar in their coffee?
they talked over almost every morning; -I get what you mean here, but it sounds too conversational to me.
and every word was black and bitter
and exchanged unfiltered; -I like the metaphor here with the coffee. It works well with what the reader has been shown of their relationship.
until she took his ring  
and, with all her anger, -May be end with a "..." instead of a comma. I could be wrong, but I think that would give the reader an even greater indication that the poem loops.

I wanted to have this neat effect where the poem loops into itself. Let me know how I did with the beginning and ending lines of this poem, if I should just scratch the idea in favor of something better, or better the material in between to make that loop more effective. Thank you for the read, and I'm looking forward to the final version I end up at.

The title of "A Ghost" kind of grew back on me while I was thinking of another title. I'm still open to suggestions on the title though.

I think you have a good first draft here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.

Cheers,
Richard