10-07-2017, 02:37 AM
One Night Stand
At midnight, silence shrieks, can´t make sense of "shrieks". i d imagine something more positive (if it should hint towards the fear of getting caught i think that sentiment has no place in your poem)
children sleep,
most adults dream, i ´d leave out "most".. since the poem is about only two adults.
her home becomes the most inviting blanket. maybe something like "strange blankets are inviting" (it isn´t, at least in the way i read it, the house that´s inviting)
At dawn, silence stops, i like "silence stops" it implies a peaceful feeling the night before . and also serves to show the abruptness of its end.
children yawn,
some adults return to life,
I awaken next to her, more alone. this line seems a little too obvious.. and also it contrasts her returning to real life in the line before with the subject feeling alone (which is real, too) .
it´s implied the children in this poem are not the subject´s, this would make the mother´s home an improbable location for a one-night stand.. but maybe it´s just me distracted by that.
At midnight, silence shrieks, can´t make sense of "shrieks". i d imagine something more positive (if it should hint towards the fear of getting caught i think that sentiment has no place in your poem)
children sleep,
most adults dream, i ´d leave out "most".. since the poem is about only two adults.
her home becomes the most inviting blanket. maybe something like "strange blankets are inviting" (it isn´t, at least in the way i read it, the house that´s inviting)
At dawn, silence stops, i like "silence stops" it implies a peaceful feeling the night before . and also serves to show the abruptness of its end.
children yawn,
some adults return to life,
I awaken next to her, more alone. this line seems a little too obvious.. and also it contrasts her returning to real life in the line before with the subject feeling alone (which is real, too) .
it´s implied the children in this poem are not the subject´s, this would make the mother´s home an improbable location for a one-night stand.. but maybe it´s just me distracted by that.
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