Lost love

[Huckleberry]

Hi Claire,

Some very interesting thoughts in your comments;
It is in fact a very loose rhyme, assonances in a lot of cases (blame it either on shortcomings, laziness, or both...) and a very loose structure, if any!

You are right, we all read it differently, but it sure is fascinating to be able to get somebody else's perception, and at times, it is so obvious when somebody else points out the flaws. But how on earth am I supposed to see things that are straight in from of my nose?

Many thanks for reading this and spending some time on it

Huckleberry

Hi

I like rhyming poetry, something that flows with a beat & rolls off the tongue is fantastic, although I have found over the years that I am not as skilled at it as I thought I was at producing such works.

I've made a few comments below, don't take too much stock by them though, we all read poetry differently & that's part of the fun, you will never achieve something that is understood & enjoyed by all.  


Don’t make a noise, don’t break a stick, (Personally I like this line, it reminds me of tiptoeing through a forest, avoiding stepping on the twigs, not making a sound)
A candle without a wick; (This is probably me but because I got an initial image where I thought the first line was going, this line didn't actually fit with my perception)
Go silently their way along,
Days are so short, nights are so long. (I would probably put "Days so short, nights so long" & miss out the other words which I don't feel are necessary)
Does it matter when hope is gone
For those willing to be bygone?
Nights are too bright, life is too thick; (As the word "Night" is used above I would probably go more with "Stars too bright, life too thick;"
There are men who just never sleep. (I would probably remove the word "Just" simply to shorten the line to a more comfortable length)

Their tearless eyes looking aghast,
Knight defending the last turret, (I don't know if I'm keen on the phrasing when using a singular "Knight", I would tend to steer towards "Knights" to improve flow)
Butterflies lost in the desert,
Princes of ephemeral past,
They freeze at the Lilliputian
Miserly sight of the ocean,
Its nights too bright, its life so thick, (As these two lines are a duplicate of those above I would just amend them again so that it follows through)
There are men who just never sleep.

There once was a mighty princess,
An Eldorado, a bright star, (Oops as I've changed the above to read Stars too bright, if you decided to go with this I'd probably amend "a bright star" to a guiding light or something similar, just so that the continuity continues but not unnecessary duplication)
Her orbit turned them to ageless,
A wreck, a nothing, a sandbar, (If you do change the word "Star" in the line above you may wish to peruse this & amend the line to something that fits more comfortably)
A light house that in the dark
Dreams of sailing home the lost ark.
Nights are too bright, life is a blight;
There are men just waiting to die