10-06-2017, 01:16 AM
Hi Richard,
nice work, particularly S2.
Some suggestions:
Tidy up the punctuation:
Is 'we sit by a fire' a continuation of the thought/title. If so, should it not read as;
we sit by a fire,
faces illuminated,
our words own the night air. ?
I think 'I change into...' could be more succinctly expressed as 'become a tree...' (as Achebe has already observed)
similarly
'my voice no louder...'
might be stronger as
'my voice, a falling pine needle.'
'blue' seems somewhat flat, and unnecessary (omitting it allows for the 'painting' to also be a night scene).
I'm not sure you've found S3 yet, though this is an improvement on the original.
I'd suggest reprising something of the fire from S1 before 'I stay longer...' (you might also drop the second 'I').
'Afraid to go home' rather than 'Afraid to revert', would be more impactful, I think. Do you need to spell out 'alone'?
Strong finish.
Best, Knot.
nice work, particularly S2.
Some suggestions:
Tidy up the punctuation:
Is 'we sit by a fire' a continuation of the thought/title. If so, should it not read as;
we sit by a fire,
faces illuminated,
our words own the night air. ?
I think 'I change into...' could be more succinctly expressed as 'become a tree...' (as Achebe has already observed)
similarly
'my voice no louder...'
might be stronger as
'my voice, a falling pine needle.'
'blue' seems somewhat flat, and unnecessary (omitting it allows for the 'painting' to also be a night scene).
I'm not sure you've found S3 yet, though this is an improvement on the original.
I'd suggest reprising something of the fire from S1 before 'I stay longer...' (you might also drop the second 'I').
'Afraid to go home' rather than 'Afraid to revert', would be more impactful, I think. Do you need to spell out 'alone'?
Strong finish.
Best, Knot.