Lost love

[alonso ramoran]

Hi Huckleberry, few thoughts

Don’t make a noise, don’t break a stick, Not a strong start
A candle without a wick; Interesting image. It's a shame you didn't expand on this. I find you presenting images throughout the poem that you just glaze over. This could've been your first line.
Go silently their way along, I read this as "Go silently along their way", but had to reread it because it was actually written weirdly.
Days are so short, nights are so long.
Does it matter when hope is gone
For those willing to be bygone? "Bygone" doesn't sound right.
Nights are too bright, life is too thick;
There are men who just never sleep.
 
Their tearless eyes looking aghast,
Knight defending the last turret,
Butterflies lost in the desert,
Princes of ephemeral past,
They freeze at the Lilliputian
Miserly sight of the ocean,
Its nights too bright, its life so thick,
There are men who just never sleep.
 
There once was a mighty princess, This sounds like it's starting a new poem to me.
An Eldorado, a bright star,
Her orbit turned them to ageless,
A wreck, a nothing, a sandbar,
A light house that in the dark This line and the line below reads awkwardly.
Dreams of sailing home the lost ark.
Nights are too bright, life is a blight;
There are men just waiting to die.

A problem I had when I first started writing poetry was that it was hard to write in the way I speak when I'm worried of the last syllable of a line rhyming with another. This resulted in me creating awkward sentences that were an eyesore for others to read. The same thing seems to be happening here; not only that, but you're glazing over images that I think would be pretty cool to expand on, like butterflies being lost in a desert. Those are my thoughts. Hope you end up with the edit you're happy with