10-02-2017, 07:01 PM
Hi Sonata,
Simple words can be very tricky to use and I think you did this very well
I find the second stanza too "unexplained"
Beauty divine,
that's her.
Glorious, magnificent,
entirely mine.
It kinds of gives me the impression that the reader has too much latitude and can interpret it whichever he wants (or more cruelly stated, that you might yourself not be sure of exactly how to convey what you want to say). More symbolism might be helpful here.
May be also more symbolism, as I see it, or a more passionate expression of
Her gracefulness
is buried deep inside
of me.
for the final.
It starts very well but falls a bit flat, despite a very strong statement.
With love, for your great soul, and what is good writing I am convinced you could do even better
Simple words can be very tricky to use and I think you did this very well
I find the second stanza too "unexplained"
Beauty divine,
that's her.
Glorious, magnificent,
entirely mine.
It kinds of gives me the impression that the reader has too much latitude and can interpret it whichever he wants (or more cruelly stated, that you might yourself not be sure of exactly how to convey what you want to say). More symbolism might be helpful here.
May be also more symbolism, as I see it, or a more passionate expression of
Her gracefulness
is buried deep inside
of me.
for the final.
It starts very well but falls a bit flat, despite a very strong statement.
With love, for your great soul, and what is good writing I am convinced you could do even better
Huckleberry