The Cherry trees

[Achebe]

I liked the names in the previous version, which gave the poem a personal touch.

Edit 2

In heavy rain
underneath dripping branches ..I like 'dripping branches'
we dispersed you, watched you, ...don't like the second 'you'. Maybe 'dispersed you, watched/ as you swirled etc'
swirling into eddies, watered down
sinking underground. ....this is a fine sentence, but reads too much like prose. I wonder if it might not be better to do away with 

Maybe it was the sunlight,
filtered through the white blossom,
or Spring's first false whisper 
that found the corner of your mouth,
carried you away, ... I think 'maybe' weakens the strophe overall, because it's obviously imagined anyway.
a milky sweetness on the breeze, 
drifting out beyond the trees,
trading your breath as nectar 
to help each flower grow. ...the second strophe is a bit overdone. Don't have any suggestions though

In the quiet of our home
lemon walls were waiting, ...'lemon walls' is a favourite
the mobile above your cot
clicked on,
a single chime
that made me close the door.

I poured some tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid down ....the line length reads a little awkward to me. I'd have preferred '....laid down their blankets / etc'
their blankets,
giving up their short life
to keep you warm,
as they do every year. 


Edit 01 Ray, achebe, Todd.

We nearly called you May
but they wanted to name you Blossom,
you burst bright into life
all pink and white,
summer still waiting for your smile.

The pram could move
from car to cradle,
carried under filtered sunlight,
a cherry flower canopy
flickered above your troubled face.

Morning couldn't help itself,
the damp had just left the ground,
insects came out to play
and you,
you were lost in a lullaby
that whispered tones of sky blue.

Maybe it was the milk bubbles
at the corner of your mouth
that carried you away,
a moments sweetness on the breeze,
trading your breath as nectar to each flower.

I've read all the other theories

In heavy rain
underneath those same branches
we dispersed you,
watched you,
watered down swirling into eddies,
sinking underground.

In the quiet of our home
lemon walls were waiting,
the mobile above your cot
clicked on,
a single chime that made me
close the door.

I poured some tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid down
their blankets,
giving up their short life
to keep you warm,

as they do every year.



Original
We nearly called you May
but they wanted to name you Blossom,
you burst bright into life
all pink and white,
summer still waiting
for your smile.

The pram could move
from car to cradle,
carried under filtered sunlight,
a cherry flower canopy
softened the sting
on delicate eyes.
It was a perfect morning
the damp had just left the ground,
insects had come to play
and you were lost to its
lullaby.

I would like to think
the beauty of that day
took away your breath
but there are other theories
I've read too many times.

On a cold blustery day
underneath those branches
we dispersed you, watered down
swirling into eddies
sinking underground.

In the quiet of our empty home
I made tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid
their blankets over you,
giving up their short life
to keep you warm,

as they do every year.