09-27-2017, 02:27 AM
Hi Yjack
My take away is a simple one you have a headache, take a tablet sit down with a coffee to let it take effect, you notice ice refracting sunlight in through the window, this makes you look outside and you ponder over a man in the street, whats his story etc. go to drink your coffee but its still to hot, so you think about the need for patience and how that applies to most things in life.
My main issue is that as a reader I can identify with most of this and to be honest as an image it plays out a plesant enough comeo giving us some insight to the main character and his concerns about wasting time, but its dull as dishwater there is little to excite me. There is nothing fresh about the subject, no clever way of showing me something in a new light. Your phrasing, whilst easy to follow and querky in a good way, doesnt help the reader find any rhythm and the yoda speak, I though to be intentionally trying to sound like Yoda, doesnt really work that well for me.
My advice would be to give it some umph, find something fresh to add to the morning coffee, but thats all I have I'm not really sure I've helped. Still you have my thoughts on your poem. best Keith
My take away is a simple one you have a headache, take a tablet sit down with a coffee to let it take effect, you notice ice refracting sunlight in through the window, this makes you look outside and you ponder over a man in the street, whats his story etc. go to drink your coffee but its still to hot, so you think about the need for patience and how that applies to most things in life.
My main issue is that as a reader I can identify with most of this and to be honest as an image it plays out a plesant enough comeo giving us some insight to the main character and his concerns about wasting time, but its dull as dishwater there is little to excite me. There is nothing fresh about the subject, no clever way of showing me something in a new light. Your phrasing, whilst easy to follow and querky in a good way, doesnt help the reader find any rhythm and the yoda speak, I though to be intentionally trying to sound like Yoda, doesnt really work that well for me.
My advice would be to give it some umph, find something fresh to add to the morning coffee, but thats all I have I'm not really sure I've helped. Still you have my thoughts on your poem. best Keith
(09-23-2017, 10:09 PM)Yjack123 Wrote: Hoarfrost
My head is in opposition as I shuffle the dusted planks of the room.
My coffee and I ease into cushions to let the pills apply themselves.
Eyes lightly closed against everything.
I tug them open again and discover the moment.
I spy gemstone hoarfrost on one corner of my window,
A single pane high up frames the splayed web of rainbow dust,
The sunlit frost pushing through my haze: its splendor keeping me buoyant.
I; embarrassed for unrealized accomplishments.
As concomitant to the time of life enjoyed by the frost.
It seems I have been out-performed and it’s still early.
I stretch to see when a man walks past the window.
Dark hair and glasses and a steady gait.
There’s temptation to say he came out of nowhere,
But I know that’s not possible. He has a home, one supposes.
Both origin and destination remain secrets held from me.
On this particular mission of his.
Wherever he’s headed.
I don’t know.
Waiting, am I, for the coffee to cool a bit.
Touching the mug with the backs of my fingers I decline.
Patience, I have learned, is the only treatment for everything.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out