a couple of things that come to mind.
the opening line makes me see you as fondling shit. it works as is in sound because we can modulate. in text it reads to me as a little odd.
rhymes; make them work or don't use them is a general rule of thumb. don't force the rhyme as it seems that way with some of them. line 2 more so than elsewhere.
use a bit of imagery via simile or metaphor. and try not to use too many just's or and's etc to start a line.
spellings, keep your eye on them if people see you care about what you write they'll care about what you write. when i say spelling i mean in the body of the poem "usually" and "emotionless."
the opening line makes me see you as fondling shit. it works as is in sound because we can modulate. in text it reads to me as a little odd.
rhymes; make them work or don't use them is a general rule of thumb. don't force the rhyme as it seems that way with some of them. line 2 more so than elsewhere.
use a bit of imagery via simile or metaphor. and try not to use too many just's or and's etc to start a line.
spellings, keep your eye on them if people see you care about what you write they'll care about what you write. when i say spelling i mean in the body of the poem "usually" and "emotionless."
(09-17-2017, 01:04 PM)JMannUK Wrote: Long Distance
I feel shit.
Just had a good night out hit
and now it's the next day.
No hangover, just feeling this way.
Listening to Oasis;
I never listen to Oasis.
Messaged the missus, "i miss you",
she says, "dno why boo?".
Been 3000 miles away for 4 months
and she still doesn't miss me;
says she's "busy".
I reply, "yeah I guess so",
it just don't seem right though.
And now i feel more shit,
been latching onto other sad bits.
Getting all emotional for no reason,
feeling like a girl on her one week season.
Am ussualy calm and collective,
emoitionless, never need protecting.
But now i think i'm in a rut - a hole,
I've hit a wall.
And now it's time to strut - to go,
to fly back home.