09-20-2017, 09:23 PM
Hi
Welcome to the site, just a few comments to start with on your poem if that's ok, don't worry too much about them, we all have different opinions on how things should be written, mine don't tend to be overly technical, I go more for image & how it flows:
Long Distance
I feel shit. (I'd go with "I feel like shit" rather than "I feel shit)
Just had a good night out hit
and now it's the next day.
No hangover, just feeling this way. (I'm not keen on the use of "Feel" in the first line & then "Feeling" in this line, maybe you should keep the "No Hangover" bit & add something that explains more of how you feel, it doesn't need to rhyme as at this stage its not adding anything)
Listening to Oasis;
I never listen to Oasis.
Messaged the missus, "i miss you",
she says, "dno why boo?". (I quite like this verse)
Been 3000 miles away for 4 months
and she still doesn't miss me; (Is there any way you can change this? I think as it's in the verse above its already been said)
says she's "busy".
I reply, "yeah I guess so",
it just don't seem right though. (You could expand on this .... why don't you think she misses you, use an written image to show how you see this)
And now i feel more shit,
been latching onto other sad bits.
Getting all emotional for no reason,
feeling like a girl on her one week season. (Not keen on this line, then again I'm a girl so maybe I'm being touchy LOL)
Am ussualy calm and collective,
emoitionless, never need protecting.
But now i think i'm in a rut - a hole,
I've hit a wall.
And now it's time to strut - to go,(If you a feeling low because you are upset someone doesn't miss you would you "Strut"? Or is this because you are putting on a front?)
to fly back home.
Welcome to the site, just a few comments to start with on your poem if that's ok, don't worry too much about them, we all have different opinions on how things should be written, mine don't tend to be overly technical, I go more for image & how it flows:
Long Distance
I feel shit. (I'd go with "I feel like shit" rather than "I feel shit)
Just had a good night out hit
and now it's the next day.
No hangover, just feeling this way. (I'm not keen on the use of "Feel" in the first line & then "Feeling" in this line, maybe you should keep the "No Hangover" bit & add something that explains more of how you feel, it doesn't need to rhyme as at this stage its not adding anything)
Listening to Oasis;
I never listen to Oasis.
Messaged the missus, "i miss you",
she says, "dno why boo?". (I quite like this verse)
Been 3000 miles away for 4 months
and she still doesn't miss me; (Is there any way you can change this? I think as it's in the verse above its already been said)
says she's "busy".
I reply, "yeah I guess so",
it just don't seem right though. (You could expand on this .... why don't you think she misses you, use an written image to show how you see this)
And now i feel more shit,
been latching onto other sad bits.
Getting all emotional for no reason,
feeling like a girl on her one week season. (Not keen on this line, then again I'm a girl so maybe I'm being touchy LOL)
Am ussualy calm and collective,
emoitionless, never need protecting.
But now i think i'm in a rut - a hole,
I've hit a wall.
And now it's time to strut - to go,(If you a feeling low because you are upset someone doesn't miss you would you "Strut"? Or is this because you are putting on a front?)
to fly back home.