Cannonball

[just mercedes]

This is my first posting.  I'm very eager to learn and improve.  Looking forward to your help.


Cannonball
 
 
Bobby had a single plan to leave it all to that old man.
An brand new stage; a different cast; just how long can one storm last?
 
I saw him and I turned away, I left him to his own decay.
He took to drink and losing fights and beaten dogs are known to bite.
 
And Bobby was a cannonball flying thru each shattered wall.
Not a thing would slow him down ‘til he buried in the ground.
A hunk of iron burning hot: betting on a single shot.
He knew he’d get one single fall.
Who could stop a cannonball?
Yes, who could stop a cannonball?
 
His treasure formed a tiny pile and getting to sleep could take a while.
Rumbling nights are dark and cold when you don’t believe a word you’re told.
 
Who can tell them all the cause?  They never wait for Santa Clause.
They wear a shirt to hide a bruise and walk to school in dirty shoes.
 
And Bobby was a cannonball busting thru each shattered wall.
Pure inertia made him fly, whistling through the midnight sky.
He never knew just how to be with his potential energy,
A sonic boom will sound his fall.
Who can stop a cannonball?
Yeah, who can stop a cannonball?

Hi Jack, and welcome! 

I wonder if using rhyme and fairly strict meter works best for your poem?  In some places the need for an internal rhyme weakens the thrust i.e. Who can tell them all the cause? They never wait for Santa Claus (no 'e'). Which is a pity because the next line is good.

'that old man' introduced in the first line is never explained.

I like the metaphor of 'cannonball' with its destructive energy, but was Bobby loaded, aimed and fired like a cannonball? Or was he in control of his trajectory, in a way a cannonball isn't? 

The 4th and 5th stanzas feel like a bridge in a song, and for me the poem works as lyrics - the repetition and rhythmic beat fixes in the attention of the listener.

But you describe Bobby's behaviour as 'out of control' yet used a very controlled form to do so. Which for me is another tension set up by the poem. 

erko (My parrot just walked across my keyboard and said that. Sometimes I wonder if he's an idiot-savant so I left it in). 

Thanks for posting this - I'll watch for where you take it. Good luck!