09-17-2017, 04:33 AM
Cannonball
Bobby had a single plan to leave it all to that old man. Leave all of what?
An brand new stage; a different cast; just how long can one storm last? "A", not "An"
I saw him and I turned away, I left him to his own decay. Decay, as in tooth or radiation? Sin?
He took to drink and losing fights and beaten dogs are known to bite. This line tells much about Bobby.
And Bobby was a cannonball flying thru each shattered wall.
Not a thing would slow him down ‘til he buried in the ground. This sentence seems incomplete, unless it's meant as something slangy.
A hunk of iron burning hot: betting on a single shot. -good rhyme here.
He knew he’d get one single fall.
Who could stop a cannonball?
Yes, who could stop a cannonball? Can't a strong man with a handlebar mustache and boxer boots?
His treasure formed a tiny pile and getting to sleep could take a while. the beats in this line seem awkward, off
Rumbling nights are dark and cold when you don’t believe a word you’re told. might sound smoother "don't believe a word you're told"
Who can tell them all the cause? They never wait for Santa Clause.
They wear a shirt to hide a bruise and walk to school in dirty shoes.
And Bobby was a cannonball busting thru each shattered wall.
Pure inertia made him fly, whistling through the midnight sky. these two lines are really good
He never knew just how to be with his potential energy, I'd add "such" potential energy
A sonic boom will sound his fall.
Who can stop a cannonball?
Yeah, who can stop a cannonball?
Hi Jack, I am sorry I didn't comment sooner. I actually thought I had, perhaps I had difficulty with the format and I didn't post it. I came back to see how things were going on this poem and saw I hadn't commented, afterall. I am sorry. I like how this poem reads like a song. I thought about John Cougar Mellancamp, not sure how to spell his name, but he just came to mind. A poet in song. I have known Bobbies, too, and hope they find peace and healing.
Have a wonderful day of writing.
nibbed
Bobby had a single plan to leave it all to that old man. Leave all of what?
An brand new stage; a different cast; just how long can one storm last? "A", not "An"
I saw him and I turned away, I left him to his own decay. Decay, as in tooth or radiation? Sin?
He took to drink and losing fights and beaten dogs are known to bite. This line tells much about Bobby.
And Bobby was a cannonball flying thru each shattered wall.
Not a thing would slow him down ‘til he buried in the ground. This sentence seems incomplete, unless it's meant as something slangy.
A hunk of iron burning hot: betting on a single shot. -good rhyme here.
He knew he’d get one single fall.
Who could stop a cannonball?
Yes, who could stop a cannonball? Can't a strong man with a handlebar mustache and boxer boots?
His treasure formed a tiny pile and getting to sleep could take a while. the beats in this line seem awkward, off
Rumbling nights are dark and cold when you don’t believe a word you’re told. might sound smoother "don't believe a word you're told"
Who can tell them all the cause? They never wait for Santa Clause.
They wear a shirt to hide a bruise and walk to school in dirty shoes.
And Bobby was a cannonball busting thru each shattered wall.
Pure inertia made him fly, whistling through the midnight sky. these two lines are really good
He never knew just how to be with his potential energy, I'd add "such" potential energy
A sonic boom will sound his fall.
Who can stop a cannonball?
Yeah, who can stop a cannonball?
Hi Jack, I am sorry I didn't comment sooner. I actually thought I had, perhaps I had difficulty with the format and I didn't post it. I came back to see how things were going on this poem and saw I hadn't commented, afterall. I am sorry. I like how this poem reads like a song. I thought about John Cougar Mellancamp, not sure how to spell his name, but he just came to mind. A poet in song. I have known Bobbies, too, and hope they find peace and healing.
Have a wonderful day of writing.
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love