09-12-2017, 02:43 PM
Hi Dcandy. For someone starting out (presumably), it's not a bad effort. That said, there are a few things you need to sort out, such as:
1. Cliches - 'dark and deep', 'all that you need'
2. Cliched rhyme - love / above, explain/ rain.
3. Forced inversion (for the sake of rhyme) - 'beyond the boundaries is'
But most importantly, where the poem is lacking is that it's not clear what it is about 'constellations' that 'bring you a moment of peace'. Now perhaps you are trying to communicate what you feel when you look up at a dark sky and see the belt of Orion glowing, and the milky way streaming out like a thick band in the middle of the sky. So do just that - describe what you see, what it reminds you of, don't say that it 'brings out a moment of peace' because that's abstract and uninteresting.
If I were you, I'd work on making Line 2 meaningful.
1. Cliches - 'dark and deep', 'all that you need'
2. Cliched rhyme - love / above, explain/ rain.
3. Forced inversion (for the sake of rhyme) - 'beyond the boundaries is'
But most importantly, where the poem is lacking is that it's not clear what it is about 'constellations' that 'bring you a moment of peace'. Now perhaps you are trying to communicate what you feel when you look up at a dark sky and see the belt of Orion glowing, and the milky way streaming out like a thick band in the middle of the sky. So do just that - describe what you see, what it reminds you of, don't say that it 'brings out a moment of peace' because that's abstract and uninteresting.
If I were you, I'd work on making Line 2 meaningful.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe