Satiated

[billy]

hi wj.

here are a few thought on what i see as a poem with potential. i never read the original

A lick of ice cream
sprinkled mist on my face
and turned the sunlight into syrup the 1st three lines create a great happy image. would a period help strengthen it?
as I sat on a beach with my heart in the palm [as i sat] feels weak and i'd ask "is it needed?" you could end the line at "heart", and move "in the palm' down and maybe split that after "lover"
of a lover, the coconut tree above my head
dancing shadows in the breeze
that rolled the waves just enough
to crash.

I was satisfied, for a while,
but I hungered for red meat,
the kind of meal that leaves you sprawled a suggestion to enhance the en-jamb would be to move sprawled down
on the couch with your belt undone
and the tv flashing nonsense
that infiltrates your dreams
as you snore, fart, and drool. love the end line but you knew i would