First Edit: Friendship

[billy]

after a quick couple of reads i think it reads as a much tighter better piece. the first stanza is about as solid as it can be. the third line feels powerful and the reader wants to continue. there's a good transition from being one of the strong ones there, to feeling a little awkward or actually lacking the confidence the 1st person thought they had. the last is more powerful after subsequent reads. it show that the 1st person doesn't want to lose the connection they made. they want friendship so much. good edit

First Edit:

As We Talk of Work, Vacations, and Children

We sit by a fire,
faces illuminated.
Our words own the night air

I lose myself in gatherings like this:
I change into a tree painted behind a bush,
added because the painter knew
there was too much blue sky;
my voice no louder than a falling pine needle.

I stay longer than I intended, is the 2nd needed?
afraid to revert,
to go home and lie alone,
my bed clean as snow.


[i]Original:

Friendship

We sit by a fire,
faces illuminated by dull light.
Our words own the night air
as we talk of work, vacations and children.

I lose myself in gatherings like this:
I become a tree painted behind a bush,
added because the painter knew
there was too much blue sky;
my voice no louder than a falling pine needle,
my sight limited to within the frame.

I stay longer than I intended
because it opiates my senses,
justifies my blank pages,
subdues my self-loathing.