On Death. 1st Edit

[billy]

First Edit

Thanks to those who left feedback, while i many not have used it all, it was all taken into consideration. i'm sure there's more edits still needed.

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On Death.

Like everyone I have a hidden mausoleum;
a wood-wormed drawer where buried treasures dwell. Strong opening. I don't know if "buried" works, though, because the treasures are in a drawer.
Twin Watermen lay in state,
embraced in shrouds of gold filigree.
The autopsy confirmed their demise;
exsanguinated, bled out like Halal
chicken on Eid Al-Adha. nice.
I'd sacrificed them like a Muslim holy man; I don't think "muslim" is necessary, after the halal stuff.
a final stroke for each.
I never fed them but the once, 
and replaced each one in turn.
Flawless in a more artisinal hand
they never marched to my tempo. The two lines in this sentence don't fit together very well for me.
Zig and zag they went, darting
in tongues, undecipherable.
How they vexed me, left me blue-fingered
blue-thumbed and humbled. nice.
Their sweetly etched 14 carat toes kicking page nice break
after crumpled page to the trashcan;
pissing Prussian over white heavyweight vellum. 
They died and in their death throes turned me... I like how this line could have many meanings.

Have you met my Biro?  The name of a chicken? A pen? haha, nice change of pace.

I enjoyed it, I haven't seen a poem of yours in a while, I'm glad you posted it.

Thanks for the feedback, will consider all you've mentioned in the next edit