09-06-2017, 08:44 PM
I like this, its expressive & easy to read, especially the first section, I have made a few suggestions including line endings but nothing extensive as I don't think it needs it:
I am sitting on the roof
as the morning stretches blue sleep away and drags
a red velvet across its shoulders.
Everything is smaller than me. I finger the
brick, red and raw like dried blood but it is far.
I am becoming. Girl as city.
There are lights.
Tarps in windows, curling plants. Streets have cars missing like teeth, (You could consider "with" in lieu of "have")
Those already gone off to work or those who haven't come home yet (You could consider a slight rephrase ... "those who have yet to return home")
There is a wind that tussles my hair like his hand. Donuts are being sprinkled, shower curtains drawn back. (I would remove "There is" at the beginning of the line along with "that" so it reads "A wind tussles my hair like his hand". I would then go to "Donuts sprinkled. Shower curtains drawn".
I am shuddering - not from the cold but from the
hum in my chest. An old song, dizzy in my head, plays; An old man singing from
a mountain to his heart, lost somewhere in the town below
"I am here and it's okay, you can forget about me"
I am sitting on the roof
as the morning stretches blue sleep away and drags
a red velvet across its shoulders.
Everything is smaller than me. I finger the
brick, red and raw like dried blood but it is far.
I am becoming. Girl as city.
There are lights.
Tarps in windows, curling plants. Streets have cars missing like teeth, (You could consider "with" in lieu of "have")
Those already gone off to work or those who haven't come home yet (You could consider a slight rephrase ... "those who have yet to return home")
There is a wind that tussles my hair like his hand. Donuts are being sprinkled, shower curtains drawn back. (I would remove "There is" at the beginning of the line along with "that" so it reads "A wind tussles my hair like his hand". I would then go to "Donuts sprinkled. Shower curtains drawn".
I am shuddering - not from the cold but from the
hum in my chest. An old song, dizzy in my head, plays; An old man singing from
a mountain to his heart, lost somewhere in the town below
"I am here and it's okay, you can forget about me"