Fifth Edit: The Swans in Wentworth Park

[just mercedes]

Hey Richard - I think you're almost there. The only change I'd think about would be to lose 'listless' - allow the reader to acknowledge that something was mssing in the kiss, and for me, 'listless' doesn't work wih the image of the mate flying free but sad, which is active.

But your poem is pruning its feathers, ready for flight.

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Or 'failed' - I think you have to lose one or the other.