Fifth Edit: The Swans in Wentworth Park

[Todd]

Hi Richard,

A few quick comments on the most recent edit. I appreciate the title of this piece. Dying Swan allows the first line to work. I like the switch from mangled to dangled. Mangled is an interpretation. Dangled is more of an observation. I think this one works best from the perspective of Imagism.

I don't really have any other critique at this point. It feels done to me. You'll have to decide of course when it feels done for you.

Best,

Todd

Fifth Edit:

Dying Swan

One wing dangled, but not as exposed
as what was beneath the words
I said when our bodies
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes.

The other wing open, seeks elevation,
reminds me of my failed apology,
our listless kiss goodbye.

I imagine its mate flies alone
towards a cold sunset.