09-05-2017, 09:40 PM
On Death. I like that you put a period after Death.
Like everyone I have a hidden citadel; just one?!
An ex wood-wormed drawer where treasures trove. I want to put a kiss here, at treasures trove.
Twin Watermen lay in state I like that good pens indicate a cup of cold water
embraced in shrouds of fine filigree.
Upon their autopsies the worst was confirmed
Exsanguinated, bled out like Halal not sure these four lines are all needed.
chicken on Eid Al-Adha.
I'd sacrificed them like a Muslim holy-man;
a final stroke for each.
I never fed them but the once, this may not be true or it indicates the speaker has limited sight
and replaced each one in turn.
Flawless in the right hands
they never marched to my tempo.
Zig and zag they went, darting
in tongues they spoke, undecipherable.
How they vexed me, left me blue-fingered why would anyone get a waterman in blue?
blue-thumbed and humbled.
Their sweetly etched 14 carrot toes kicking page I actually like the misspell
after crumpled pages to the trashcan;
pissing Prussian over white heavyweight vellum.
They died and in their death throes turned me...
Have you met my Biro? cute ending, but does that mean disposable?
Hi Billy. Wild poem. I couldn't tell if it was friendly encouragement, a spouting of judgement, or an ad campaign. The metaphor seemed to target a specific audience. I thought at first it was an oasis, reading hints of cheer but then it turned into a mirage. Sorry for my grumpy critique, I'm feeling like a bitter old bag today because I ate bacon yesterday. I didn't want you to think I was ignoring your poem, though, because it deserves recognition for its cleverness. I also thought for a moment about gingerbread and how the fox was able to get him to climb to the very tip of his nose.
nibbed
Like everyone I have a hidden citadel; just one?!
An ex wood-wormed drawer where treasures trove. I want to put a kiss here, at treasures trove.
Twin Watermen lay in state I like that good pens indicate a cup of cold water
embraced in shrouds of fine filigree.
Upon their autopsies the worst was confirmed
Exsanguinated, bled out like Halal not sure these four lines are all needed.
chicken on Eid Al-Adha.
I'd sacrificed them like a Muslim holy-man;
a final stroke for each.
I never fed them but the once, this may not be true or it indicates the speaker has limited sight
and replaced each one in turn.
Flawless in the right hands
they never marched to my tempo.
Zig and zag they went, darting
in tongues they spoke, undecipherable.
How they vexed me, left me blue-fingered why would anyone get a waterman in blue?
blue-thumbed and humbled.
Their sweetly etched 14 carrot toes kicking page I actually like the misspell
after crumpled pages to the trashcan;
pissing Prussian over white heavyweight vellum.
They died and in their death throes turned me...
Have you met my Biro? cute ending, but does that mean disposable?
Hi Billy. Wild poem. I couldn't tell if it was friendly encouragement, a spouting of judgement, or an ad campaign. The metaphor seemed to target a specific audience. I thought at first it was an oasis, reading hints of cheer but then it turned into a mirage. Sorry for my grumpy critique, I'm feeling like a bitter old bag today because I ate bacon yesterday. I didn't want you to think I was ignoring your poem, though, because it deserves recognition for its cleverness. I also thought for a moment about gingerbread and how the fox was able to get him to climb to the very tip of his nose.
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love