Fifth Edit: The Swans in Wentworth Park

[billy]

hi richard, i read this edit and the original other my brain would be scrambled coming in at this late stage. overall i get it. no line-by-line: in general the extended metaphor works yet it's little hard to reconcile the subject of swans/a swan in a human breakup. generally [the title] it's an interpretation of the death of a swan. the feeling i get here is an interpretation of the end of one's love. the piece has a certain arty feel which does tie it to the title but again for me love is a much more powerful thing than death. the poem lacks that passion that pavlova put into to birds death. the dance was an image, an interpretation without the tell she was the swan. the poem for me needs to use more imagery.

one wing dangled, the other wing open; how could these two important lines be infused with imagery? show me the pain of the broken wing, show me the pain of the failed apology.

i think the bones are in place, it just needs some feather to help it fly

Fifth Edit:


Dying Swan

One wing dangled, but not as exposed
as what was beneath the words show what was beneath the words.
I said when our bodies
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes.

The other wing open, seeks elevation,
reminds me of my failed apology,
our listless kiss goodbye.

I imagine its mate flies alone
towards a cold sunset.