Dingo (after Judith Wright) Edit 2

[Richard]

Hey Mercedes,
I like this poem as it stuck with me since I first read it yesterday. I do have some thoughts though:

Edit 1
 

Lynchy worked one winter trapping dingoes for bounty. A lazy man, he couldn’t be bothered with traps. Dingoes were too smart for him. -I know that you're reconsidering using the word "lazy." My suggestion would be to keep it, and change the sentence that follows. May be instead of saying "too smart," say something like the dingoes were too much work. Just a thought.  He bought unwanted mongrel bitches from the Council Pound. When they came on heat he tethered them near the National Park boundaries, with fish hooks embedded in their vulva and anchored to a branch. When a dingo mounted, his penis was hooked. He usually bled to death. Sometimes, one would leave shredded remnants, and escape. -Vicious imagery, which captures the reader's attention.


 

 

A flock of stars pulses -For some reason, I feel like this line could be cut down to just "Star pulses". The word "flock" just doesn't sit right with me considering the imagery in the rest of the poem, but that is just my own opinion.
light as sound, fine 
crystal-tapped notes. -I find it interesting that the stars are described in terms of sound. This focus on sound is a major part of the poem, which is fitting after the prose being so focused on physicality.

 
A high scream rises, rises, -That poor dingo. The repetition works well because it stresses the right word while also accurately describes what is happening.
falls slowly to a low moan.
Shadows fade to silence. -I love the wording here. It works as a way to describe death, or having one's privates shredded off.

 

Before gods, before language,
wild dogs called from the void -Again, there is a lot of imagery here that focuses on sounds. All this imagery creates the impression on me that hearing what happened to these dingoes would be just as horrifying as seeing it happen. Nicely done.
to the light, voicing their land, -I'm assuming that "voicing their land" means barking. I wonder if this could be clearer...
dark matter defying -I like how the dingoes came from the darkness, and probably return to it after what happens to them in this poem.
the piercing stars. -Keeping the sound imagery in mind, the word "piercing" is sort of a sound word. However, I wonder if you could come up with a stronger sound related word to end on.

 

 
 
First Draft


 
Lynchy worked one winter trapping dingoes for the bounty on their scalps. A lazy man, he couldn’t be bothered with traps. Dingoes were too smart for him. He bought unwanted mongrel bitches from the Council Pound. When they came on heat he tethered them near the National Park boundaries, with fish hooks embedded in their vulva. When a dingo mounted one, his penis was hooked. He usually bled to death. Sometimes, one would leave shredded remnants, and escape.
 
 
Up here, where snowy peaks
range along the sky,
on full moon nights
a flock of stars pulses
light as sound, fine
crystal-tapped notes.
 
In response, from a ridge nearby
a high scream rises, rises,
falls slowly to a low moan,
fades to shadowy echoes,
silence. From another ridge
it sounds again; defiance,
then sorrow, then death.
 
Before gods, before language,
wild dogs called from the void
to the light, voicing the land,
dark matter defying
the piercing stars.
 
 
 

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I'm not sure why I wanted prose and verse together. Sort of like a quasi-haibun.

Should the prose piece be first, or after the verse, or not at all? Or just keep the prose and cut the verse?

I'd love to know whether you think it works.

I think this poem definitely works, and it just needs some tweaks. I look forward to seeing where you go with this piece from here.

Cheers,
Richard