On Death. 1st Edit

[ellajam]

Hi, billy, I like the title because it lies in wait underneath the poem, poking at it. Some notes:

On Death.

Like everyone I have a hidden citadel;
An ex wood-wormed drawer where treasures trove. Made me think of a coffin. I'd prefer it without the ex, how can something be un-wood-wormed, kills the image and I like the read better without it. I'm undecided on treasure trove, strikes as cliche though using it as an action brings a bit of whimsy.
Twin Watermen lay in state
embraced in shrouds of fine filigree. I prefer the line without "fine", filigree implies it and for me the alliteration is weak.
Upon their autopsies the worst was confirmed
Exsanguinated, bled out like Halal
chicken on Eid Al-Adha.
Enjoyed these lines, the poem is building strong images that come together, death, death, death.
I'd sacrificed them like a Muslim holy-man;
a final stroke for each.
I never fed them but the once, This is an interesting line, it takes responsibility.
and replaced each one in turn.
Flawless in the right hands
they never marched to my tempo.
Zig and zag they went, darting
in tongues they spoke, undecipherable.
How they vexed me, left me blue-fingered
blue-thumbed and humbled. Again a strong image and for me describes the many things we try unsuccessfully to control.
Their sweetly etched  14 carrot toes kicking page The carrots throw me, it's such a silly image. It puts the poem a bit too firmly into whimsy for me. It certainly says "clumsy" but I'm on the fence here.
after crumpled pages to the trashcan;
pissing Prussian over white heavyweight vellum. I love "pissing Prussian" but "white heavyweight" seems long to me.
They died and in their death throes turned me...

Have you met my Biro?
The last two lines say worlds to me, the change that happens when we definitively lose the battle and find joy in what we find when we move on.

So, fun read (which is not common with that title) and successful metaphor. Nice work, thanks for posting it.