The Difference - Edit 1

[dukealien]

I'm looking at both versions with title of The Difference. The original works better for me because it seems to flow better but only the solitude part. The ending fell flat somehow. A suggestion would be to change the title to loneliness. Then start talking about solitude, end with no house-key and let the difference speak for itself.

Something like...

Loneliness

Solitude's a bachelor
standing outside his house
alone, entranced
by cool breezes, sunny leaves
and birdsong with
no one to say such gentle joys
are unmanly.

Then that same bachelor
realizes that he's got
no house-key in his pocket.

Not to criticize any of the excellent critics, but for some reason the usual swimmingly smooth process seems to have hit a rock here.  Everyone gets the idea, and it's the one I'm trying to express... but recommendations on optimizing the expression pull in contrary directions.  (The above is a good critique and a good example.)

Further edit will require time and thought... which is to say, doing something else while waiting for a harmonizing inspiration to strike.  Thanks, all!