Dingo (after Judith Wright) Edit 2

[Todd]

Mercedes, I really like this one. It does have a haiban quality to it. I think if I were to push for any direction it would be more toward a haiban--not because there's anything special about the form just because being more succinct in the section following the prose would highlight it more.

 

Dingo
 
 
Lynchy worked one winter trapping dingoes for the bounty on their scalps. A lazy man, he couldn’t be bothered with traps. Dingoes were too smart for him. He bought unwanted mongrel bitches from the Council Pound. When they came on heat he tethered them near the National Park boundaries, with fish hooks embedded in their vulva. When a dingo mounted one, his penis was hooked. He usually bled to death. Sometimes, one would leave shredded remnants, and escape.
 
I find the prose section horrifying in its content, but it's a great setup. No issues with how you deliver it.
 
Up here, where snowy peaks
range along the sky,
on full moon nights
a flock of stars pulses
light as sound, fine
crystal-tapped notes.--I get what you're doing here with stars and light pulsing music in contrast to the wild dogs' song. I'd be tempted to cut this to start at "stars pulses...." It's not that the writing is poor, it's just cutting to the essentials.
 
In response, from a ridge nearby--I think you could cut this
a high scream rises, rises,
falls slowly to a low moan,
fades to shadowy echoes,--I think lines 2-4 are essential.
silence. From another ridge
it sounds again; defiance,
then sorrow, then death.--I hate suggesting a cut on the final three lines here, but you get defiance at the end and death comes through int he prose. Sorrow may still need to be reincorpoated.
 
Before gods, before language,
wild dogs called from the void
to the light, voicing the land,
dark matter defying
the piercing stars.--This would almost be enough to set off the prose on its own. I don't think you need to be that drastic--but this is the strongest strophe for me.

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd
 
 
 

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I'm not sure why I wanted prose and verse together. Sort of like a quasi-haibun.

Should the prose piece be first, or after the verse, or not at all? Or just keep the prose and cut the verse?

I'd love to know whether you think it works.