Fifth Edit: The Swans in Wentworth Park

[just mercedes]

Hi Richard - I like the gradual refining that shows in your edits. Also  very much like the sounds that link together, especially in the first stanza (exposed, noticed, closed) but I think 'those' can be taken out.



Fourth Edit:

Dying Swan

One wing mangled, but not as exposed I wondered if 'dangled' sits better here than 'mangled'?
as those words I said when our bodies
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes. I like the image of how closed eyes can negate intimacy. Something about the syntax bothers me. It's not the words that are exposed - rather, it's the narrator's feelings. 

The other wing open, begging for elevation, Reaching for? 'begging' seems too anthropomorphic to me
reminds me of my failed apology,
our listless kiss goodbye. Yes, great image

I envision its mate, flying alone 'envision' stands out for me as more formal than the rest of the poem.  Is there a better word?
towards a cold sunset. I like the image, but I'm not sure of the 'cold'.