Revised 2: No Tranquility of the Mind

[Todd]

Hi Claire,

I like the direction. I'm going to hold back on too many comments to give others a chance to speak to the work.

Just a few things.

New version of work in progress, hope it reads better, it certainly looks different, all comments welcome:

I return, --One thing you could do with this opening line is consider pulling up dreams. Perhaps I return, with dreams
Dreams of white horses racing through my mind,
Excited,
A child in a sweet shop unable to make a choice,
The silent voice of uncertainty crying out.

The sound of my heart
Beating with no rhythm,
The blank faces in the auditorium looking on
As I try to rescue my drowning dreams,--second reference to dreams. Perhaps something else.
My screams going unheard, my hopes washed away by the crashing waves--in the last two lines three repetitions of my. Perhaps take some of those out.

As there you stand,
Unable to welcome that which you cannot see,
Sunglasses hide your eyes from the moon,--really like the ideas in this line.
Cotton wool stuffed into your ears so you cannot hear
The truth, a discredited illusion.

A Cannula
Filled with lies injected into your bloodstream,
Necessary pain
That surges through your veins, you are unable to share
As you tear at my flesh with sharpened claws.

Those that try to understand
Your need to hide alongside the Zombie Nation,
The Stepford Wives whose lawns are cut in line
That we need to follow exactly with precision together
As forever you continue to crave this alien community that ceases to care.

Every day 
The school tests are set, paper torn into matching strips, pens lined exactly
As you check off our dedication, red ink generously spread across the page,
Are we even able to achieve the grade or will we simply be set free?
As you see that for now, this place will always be but a building of broken hearts.

For you cannot believe
That as each new life is brought into this World we will stand by your side,
That despite the waterfall of uncontrollable emotions that flow
Into the stream of unforgotten expectations,
We know that memories in photographs are not simply a token
Of what should never be broken, they show this family is where you will always belong.

I like where you're going, but I recognize that it's always a challenge to do broad edits and retain your original concept. I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd