For the Birds - Edit 1

[Richard]

Hey Wjames,
I think you're going in the right direction. I do have some thoughts though:

Edit 1:

The park is an intrinsic stage, -I don't quite get how a "park is an intrinsic stage". May be change it to "The park is a circus stage". Just a thought.
the birds all twirl and land on wire
like circus freaks who risk their limbs -You could cut the word "circus" from this line if you use my suggestion for the first line. You could even change it from "freaks" to something more descriptive like "tightrope walkers".
for joy and art and little grubs.-I don't know if "grubs" works here. May be consider changing it to something a little more open ended like "nourishment". I feel like I might be a little too overbearing with some of my suggestions, so feel free to ignore them.

They don't eat much these days, the worms
have all dried up like old steel town -I liked this better when it was just "old steel towns". This is just pure opinion, but I felt I could relate more to the original simile.
fountains, withered to husked ruins. -Even though I liked the original simile better, there is really nothing technically wrong with the new one. Overall, this stanza is an improvement over the original.

It's common courtesy to pay
in seeds, you leave some grain and take
the awe that lifts you through a day
of fluorescent repetition. -The last stanza still works well, and is the strongest part of the poem. The last two lines are a wonderful image, summing up why one would be so interested in the birds.

Original:

The city park is more than hype,
the birds all twirl and land on wire
like circus freaks who risk their limbs
for joy and art and dollar bills.

They don't make much these days, the worms
have all dried up like old steel towns
with empty roads as parched and dead
as sterile operation rooms.

It's common courtesy to pay
in seeds, you leave some grain and take
the awe that lifts you through a day
of fluorescent repetition.

I hope I wasn't too overbearing with some of my suggestions. I do think this is an improvement over the original, and I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard