Fifth Edit: The Swans in Wentworth Park

[Todd]

Hi Richard,

I like the direction you're going. Let me alter the structure a bit and suggest a few changes for you to consider:

Third Edit:

Dying Swan

One wing mangled, but not as exposed
as those words I said when our bodies
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes.

The other wing open, begging for elevation,
reminds me of my failed apology,
your goodbye listless like our first kiss.

I envision its mate, flying alone 
towards a cold sunset.


I didn't think your current line breaks were doing much for you. Sticking with the content now, I like the change of using exposed without going into the physically exposed bone. This is more now the idea of being psychological naked in a relationship--being vulnerable. 

You might also adjust this line: your goodbye listless like our first kiss to something like

your listless goodbye kiss.

First may be accurate but it feels like one two many adjectives and the our is implied in the act of kissing.

Feels like it's moving in the right direction though.

Just some initial thoughts.

Best,

Todd